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On one vacation break, home from college, I went to “hang out” (get horribly schwasted) with some of my high school friends.  We ended up going to bar in our town.

We started off just catching up, updating each other with what was going on in school, life, *yawn, etc.  As the night went on, after each passing beer, the direction of the conversation inevitably steered towards the members of the opposite gender.  We discussed different approaches to hitting on girls and everyone had their own distinct method.  Some of us thought that dancing was the best way in, others thought it was through conversation.  There was one of us, however, who had zero attempts.  We collectively started to egg him on.  I (being the jackass that I am) questioned his manhood as well as his testicular fortitude.  He still seemed reluctant.  I appealed to his logic by telling him he had nothing to lose and he should adopt a care-free state of mind.  In response to this he challenged my philosophy and called me out.

“If there is nothing to lose then I dare you to ask that group of girls ‘Wanna fuck?’ “

Almost choking on my drink, I began to protest but my stubbornness and drunken pride put a premature end to that.  I wanted to prove him wrong but I needed an incentive.

“What will u give me if i do it?”  I inquired.

“I’ll buy you a shot.”

Done.

I chugged the rest of my magical elixir and summoned up all the courage I could muster and encroached upon this group of girls.  (Now in retrospect this was a total creeper move but moving on…)

Cautiously, I tapped one girl on the shoulder, interrupting their current conversation.  They all turned in unison, curiously awaiting to see what I was about.  Oh sheetboosa. In my most polite tone I asked: “Hi, I was just wondering if you would like to fuck?” At the precise moment when I finished pronouncing the word “fuck,” I could see their faces instantly change from curiosity to sheer rage.  The scowl on their faces caused them to look like something twisted and grotesque; André Kirilenko.

When I finished my modest proposal, the Wrath of God was unleashed upon me.  “WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU ARE FUCKING DISGUSTING…” As all three of them unloaded a symphony of scorn, I just stood there, trying to take it all in stride.  The funny thing was, all I could decipher from their combined screaming was a high pitch sonic boom that sounded like a velociraptor attack without the acidic spit.  “RaaaRRRRRRrr.”

When they eventually ran out of breath, I calmly inquired “So…is that a no?” Obviously I was purely jesting, but something triggered in their minds that caused them to tremble with anger.  Before they exploded, I took the “subtle” hint and walked away.  Phew, dodged a nuke.

I returned to my friends who were laughing their asses off at my complete and utter decimation.

“How bout that shot?”


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4 Comments

  1. wow you have balls

  2. i second what albert wrote. it takes all the balls in the world to pull off what you did. being female myself, i probably would have grab-twist-pulled you on the spot; however, considering it wasn’t me who was put in the position they were in, i find this incredibly hilarious and comment-worthy.

  3. i am not a fan of the grab-twist-pull 😡 I’m glad i didnt run into you

  4. I was there, it was HILARIOUS!


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