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Monthly Archives: July 2009

Continued from part 1.

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Ah nothings screams summer, like a lovely day of work at the office…not.

Back in the day, my summer jobs were much more entertaining.  After my freshman year of college, I worked as a Custodial Technician (a.k.a. janitor) at an all-girls Catholic high school.  Now normally, I would jump at the opportunity to sow my adolescent seed.  Unfortunately for me, it just so happened that during the summer, there was something called summer vacation.  All that remained were me, the main office employees, and the Mexicans.

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The asshole. Read More »

My attempt to obtain a job teaching English overseas in Asia has been foiled.  I got shot down faster than William Hung’s singing career.  The reason?  According to Taiwan recruiters, I don’t carry the right “look.” This alleged “look” that they want, is very particular; white.  Essentially, some person with less experience and inferior education can teach English based solely on the color of their skin.

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It was a chill night.  Just me and a couple of friends who went out after basketball for some drinks at the local pub.  It had the feel of an “old man bar,” a bar where old men can get drunk and wallow in their sorrows.  Definitely my type of bar.

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When homewrecking, there are three main factors that you must consider before embarking on your epic quest to create a deep fissure between any couple. Read More »

Can Wolverine die from drowning?  I mean his skeleton is made of adamantium, the strongest metal known to man, and he weighs 300 pounds.  There is no way he’d be able to swim, he would sink faster than Kramer’s reputation after his racist rampage.  Magneto could just take him and drop him in the ocean and that would be the end of Wolverine.  I suppose you could argue that his regeneration would keep him alive, but you’re not really hurting him physically, you’re just depriving him of oxygen.

Professor X has the coolest power hands down.  Mind control, telepathy, telekinesis.  If he wasn’t a paraplegic, he’d be God.  I wonder when he’s mind-reading, how many perverted thoughts he encounters?  Another thing with mind-reading is, people don’t usually think in terms of coherent thoughts.  It’s kind of like one big swirling beef stew of pictures and expressions.  How does he even interpret that?  Does he see pictures as well?  Well in any case, let’s pretend he can interpret thoughts, this is what some of the X-men’s thoughts might look like:

Cyclops: “God I hate my life.  Why won’t Jean Gray notice me.  I have a squeaky clean image and I’m the leader of the X-men.  Why can’t I get laid?”

Wolverine: “I shit bricks where I please.  I’m unkillable bitches.”

Jubilee: “I love glitter!”

Beast: “Look at me, I am so ironic.”

Rogue has the vagina of death, literally.

Who in the hell came up with the idea of Toad.  Let’s brainstorm for a second.  How bout for a mutant power we give this guy a stretchy tongue!  ZOMG!  Brilliant!  It’s not like he’s gonna hate life or anything.  Quite frankly I don’t blame him for joining the dark side.  I’d be bitter too if everyone got diesel powers that fuck shit up while all I can do walk around like a frog and eat from really far away from the dinner table.  To top things off, my alias is “Toad.”  Please kill me now.

Mystique.  Two words.  Ultimate girlfriend.  You want Alba?  Bam!  Your wish is my command.  You want Meagan Fox?  Juwhannamama!  You get Meagan Fox with a bigger rack.  She could be everything you’ve ever dreamed of and more.  Be warned, this does come as a double edged sword.  If you get in a fight or piss her off, one minute you could be banging Angelina Jolie and the next minute…SHAZAAM!  Jackie Chan!  Scary.