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Can Wolverine die from drowning?  I mean his skeleton is made of adamantium, the strongest metal known to man, and he weighs 300 pounds.  There is no way he’d be able to swim, he would sink faster than Kramer’s reputation after his racist rampage.  Magneto could just take him and drop him in the ocean and that would be the end of Wolverine.  I suppose you could argue that his regeneration would keep him alive, but you’re not really hurting him physically, you’re just depriving him of oxygen.

Professor X has the coolest power hands down.  Mind control, telepathy, telekinesis.  If he wasn’t a paraplegic, he’d be God.  I wonder when he’s mind-reading, how many perverted thoughts he encounters?  Another thing with mind-reading is, people don’t usually think in terms of coherent thoughts.  It’s kind of like one big swirling beef stew of pictures and expressions.  How does he even interpret that?  Does he see pictures as well?  Well in any case, let’s pretend he can interpret thoughts, this is what some of the X-men’s thoughts might look like:

Cyclops: “God I hate my life.  Why won’t Jean Gray notice me.  I have a squeaky clean image and I’m the leader of the X-men.  Why can’t I get laid?”

Wolverine: “I shit bricks where I please.  I’m unkillable bitches.”

Jubilee: “I love glitter!”

Beast: “Look at me, I am so ironic.”

Rogue has the vagina of death, literally.

Who in the hell came up with the idea of Toad.  Let’s brainstorm for a second.  How bout for a mutant power we give this guy a stretchy tongue!  ZOMG!  Brilliant!  It’s not like he’s gonna hate life or anything.  Quite frankly I don’t blame him for joining the dark side.  I’d be bitter too if everyone got diesel powers that fuck shit up while all I can do walk around like a frog and eat from really far away from the dinner table.  To top things off, my alias is “Toad.”  Please kill me now.

Mystique.  Two words.  Ultimate girlfriend.  You want Alba?  Bam!  Your wish is my command.  You want Meagan Fox?  Juwhannamama!  You get Meagan Fox with a bigger rack.  She could be everything you’ve ever dreamed of and more.  Be warned, this does come as a double edged sword.  If you get in a fight or piss her off, one minute you could be banging Angelina Jolie and the next minute…SHAZAAM!  Jackie Chan!  Scary.

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4 Comments

  1. I lol’d. (and I’ve never before said that phrase…feel very accomplished.)

  2. fuckin awesome

  3. My X-men thought:

    Does Professor X wear pants when he’s in his hover-wheelchair? Because he’d get away with it and I bet he’d enjoy being secretly half-naked and getting away with it. Smarmy…


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