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The asshole.


Whether you like it or not, it is essential for every good party to have an asshole.  One person has the sole responsibility to act the fool so that everyone can relate by whispering to each other “Who brought the asshole?”

At an asshole-less party, where everyone gets along, a subtle disconnect exists.  They will carry on polite and mundane conversations about nothingness, a symptom of lame party.  The degree of fun falls to the same level of waiting in line at the DMV behind Justin Long.  When an asshole is present, people develop stronger relationships.  Despite their outward dismay, people secretly revel in fact they can unite by alienating the asshole.  The asshole becomes an acceptable and interesting conversation piece where witty and snide remarks bashing said asshole becomes justified.

Assholes are the ultimate catalysts for social calamity.  They are the few who really takes it upon themselves to raise intensity and really go out of their way to make shit happen.  Always prone to hollering at chicks in the most inappropriate fashions or picking fights with innocent bystanders, assholes naturally assume the position of “life of the party.”  Assholes are walking testicles of excitement and unpredictability.  Enjoying a party sans an asshole is like reading the comic strip Family Circus; and liking it.  (If you find that you actually like Family Circus, please kill yourself because I hate you).

Support them or shun them, the assholes care not.  They will proceed unhindered in their quest for utter anarchy.  Contrary to popular belief, assholes make the best friends.  Lacking in the moral aptitude department, they will be extremely loyal regardless of whether its ethical.  They are ones most willing to follow you off that proverbial bridge, in fact, they’ll probably up the ante by lighting a bottle rocket between their cheeks as they fall.

Sure Assholes can be abrasive and at times, downright retarded.  With destruction as their main outlet for creativity, it is easy to lose your patience and become irritated.  However, it is important to see the big picture.  Their existence is necessary for the greater good.  They are the spice in an otherwise bland soup.  Assholes don’t just have fun.  They spin fun around and ravage fun from behind.  At the end of the night one thing is for sure, you are going to walk away with something to share at the dinner table.

Next time you see a party slowly sliding into the depths of catatonic limbo, put the party on your back and take on the role of the asshole.  Everyone will thank you for it.



  1. The picture you put up brings together a hypothetical and literal sense of ‘asshole’.

    I have to agree with you and say that every party needs an asshole. They tend to make things more fun and are always the first to say what everyone else was thinking, which mostly everyone admires despite the embarrassing scene that is more than likely to follow. Assholes and Cajones go hand-in-hand…and, in some cases, are only centimetres apart. Haha!

  2. I wonder if it works the other way around. In a party full of assholes, will that one lame and reserved chode spice up the party? imagine a party full of Stiflers … if Justin Long came, I think the party would be so much better.

    • lol nothing good can come of Justin Long being involved in anything.

  3. i like how john’s in the center of attention, and…there’s you.

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  1. […] from practicing yoga because it was a form of devil worship.  This was around the same time asshole-Andrew came out to play.  As I relentlessly belittled his beliefs by claiming that god hates him […]

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