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Unemployment.  So I’ve had a lot of time for drinking reflection after getting the axe.  For now, collecting unemployment is a pretty sweet deal.  I almost wish I had got laid off sooner.

Anyways, I was thinking maybe an office job isn’t for me.  What could be weird but potentially sweet professions?

Pornstar – This job may damage any long term aspirations of becoming a political figure, but with all due respect, it would be AWESOME!!  The only problem for me would be “maintaining my composure.”  Much like Superman, faster than a speeding bullet…

Sperm Donor – Let’s see easy money, an enjoyable experience.  Seems like the job for me, then again, my “composure” would have to be kept in check.  Quite the conundrum (see above).

Fortune Cookie Writer –  Fortunes these days are so terribly written that a retarded clown baby could shit something more coherent.  A taste of what that baby has to offer:

“You will die overdosing on peppermint patties.”

“Your passive demeanor shall grant you eternal hemorrhoids.”

“Crime fighters are insane in the membrane.”

“You will create an awe-inspiring sandwich made at McDonald’s.  They will name it the McGross.”

Anyone of these would be worlds better than that generic cardboard crap.

Confucius says: Your mother is a whore.

Fireman – There are so many perks to being a fireman; sexy calendars, softball Sundays, barbecues, and the occasional life-threatening inferno.  So what if you have to douse a flame with your stream of justice, that just adds to the allure.

Marijuana Trimmer – You can smoke pot, listen to hippie music, all the while making $100 per pound of weed trimmed.  Pretty good deal if you can handle monotonous work and the paranoia created from raids, violent gangs, and robbers.

Massage Therapist for modelsNuff said.

Caddy – Carry a bag of clubs, walk around a golf course, give advice, get paid and drink some Ketel One.  What could be better?

Flight Attendant – Pro: Traveling to multiple destinations for free.

Con: Having to push the damn carts between those narrow-ass aisles.

Card that Trumps all pros and cons: Increased chances of obtaining membership to the ever-exclusive mile high club.

Process Server –  My friend Jabroni held a brief stint as a process server.  Basically his job was to go around town servin’ bitches.  Think Pineapple Express, but a lot less funny.  I was curious as to see what benefits it included so I asked him.

Me:  “Did you get any benefits for process serving?”

Jabroni: “No, unless you count people hating you and threatening your life.”

Jabroni: “In that case its loaded.”



  1. I have friends who have caddied . . . it sounds about as much fun as dipping balls in your mouth, i’d nix it from the list and maybe ad these 2 I have thought of on occasion:

    Cop – That’s right I have a gun, and I drive around all day and write parking tickets and get to chase speeding cars while I chill out and get nice gov benefits

    Own a Gym – work out all day play sports 24/7 hopefully have some nice eye candy as members, it is a life of dreams

    • haha well owning stuff is always fun.

      Owning the New York Knicks – You get to hang out with Nate Robinson and make fun of Al Harrington for looking like a ninja turtle.

  2. Yeah, I’ve heard some horror stories about being a caddie. Apparently there are more responsibilites than you’d think.

    Another pro for being a cop or corrections officier is the early retirement.

    Another con for flight attendant is sometimes having to wake up really early with a crappy rookie schedule. But I think they only work a few days a month, giving them a lot of free time to use up those free flights.

  3. does this mean that your gona have to go on the bagel diet?

  4. Too bad you missed out on The Best Job In The World, care-taking a private island in the Great Barrier Reefs for 6 months at a salary of $150,000 (or so I remember).

    You could always be a carney in the traveling carnival. Carnies: “Small hands, smell of cabbage.”

    • yea i entertained the job of being a carney. get drunk and get paid to watch people play games. dont know where small hands and smell of cabbage comes from tho…lol

        • misodorky
        • Posted August 18, 2009 at 3:58 am
        • Permalink

        …it’s from Austin Powers HAHA!

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