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Ahh Thanksgiving.  A glorious tradition of binge eating until you are on the verge of rupturing your stomach.  I myself am a big fan of tradition.  Even if the tradition is stupid Especially if the tradition is stupid, I will follow it to the bitter end.  What do I think is the absolute best part about this particular tradition?

I’m glad you asked.

There is one thing that stands above the rest.  Above the turkey, the mash potatoes, the corn, the stuffing, the baked yams covered with slightly charred marshmallows, the fried rice (yes we have this on our Thanksgiving), and whatever else you can think of.  This omnipresent key element that no Thanksgiving day feast can do without… *Drumroll please.


This epiphany all came about one drunken evening when I was trying to list all the foods that clash with gravy.  The problem was, everything I could think of was virtually enhanced and upgraded to a delicacy after gravy was involved.

steakcornbakedpotatoesporkmashed potatoescheesebreadpastapizzahamburgers friesricebeanstacosburritosmushroomschicken…

Oh my. I could literally go on forever.  The great tragedy was that it was only rare and momentous occasions that this heaven sent, cholesterol-decimating product would grace my lips.  Something had to be done.  I starting plotting a brilliant business scheme that would take the world by storm and drown it in gravy.

It had to start small.  Something to the tune of a mom and pop’s kind of restaurant.  “It’s All Gravy” would be the name.  Gravy would be the game.

We’d sell basic food groups like fries and meat with a wide variety of gravy; spicy gravy, sweet gravy, creamy gravy, low fat gravy, white gravy, black gravy, maybe even a vegan gravy.  Eventually we could have a gravy of the month or gravy from around the globe.  Indian curry gravy and South African gravy.  We could even sell T-shirts.  “Come ride the gravy train” it would say.  Jabroni already volunteered to be in charge of the t-shirt department.

Once we start making bank, we could expand.  Develop it into a franchise.  People all around the world would flock to “It’s All Gravy” to sample our latest Australian kangaroo gravy.

But alas…  I am all talk as I have the initiative of a gold fish cracker.  Putting this into action would actually require some work and my cooking skills need practice.  As of now, I like to call my signature dish “barely edible pasta.” Additionally, I would probably have to move to the south, where thunder thighs and muffin tops run rampant.  Actually, last I heard, Alabama was closing the gap on Mississippi’s reigning title of “Most Obese State.” Good for them.

If anyone decides to pursue this stroke of genius and nurture it into fruition, I commend you.  I would express my gratitude and appreciation by attending your restaurant at least once a month and feed my born child gravy through a bottle.  You have my word.

Sigh, yet another dream ended before it began.

Happy Thankgiving!



  1. lol, i haven’t tried gravey on pizza yet…i can see myself dipping the crust in it though…and don’t sell those goldfish short…those mo-fo’s are dangerous when u eat them too fast…

  2. you forgot onion rings!!

  3. haha yea those goldfish are dangerous, dangerously cheesy, just like yo jokes. burn…just playin mo 😉

    oh and yea, definitely onion rings mmmm

  4. Geez, I miss meat sometimes 😦

  5. “Actually, last I heard, Alabama was closing the gap on Mississippi’s reigning title of “Most Obese State.” Good for them.”

    I think you can guess where you might find the world’s best gravy.

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