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Resume writing is tough.  I never quite understood this specific form of writing until recently.  I finally took the time to sit down, do my research, and thoroughly discuss it with my friends and family.  I will share with you what I found.

The dictionary defines the resume as:

A document that contains a summary or listing of employment history and qualifications.

I define it as:

Bullshit.

Let me elaborate.

General Attitude.

Typically, nobody likes the guy/girl who loves to talk about how important they are and boasts about their “amazing” life achievements.

On the resume however, being that guy is actually necessary.  You have to think that you shit bricks of gold and it is imperative that you translate that onto paper.  Humility will get you nowhere.

Email Addresses.

Usually the top of the page will contain all your contact information such as email, phone number, and address.  Innocent enough right?

If you take a closer look, you’ll notice that the email address won’t seem generic enough.  You’ll have to make a new one.  One that sounds like you deliberately created for the sole purpose of a resume.

If you have an awesome email account with a name like nopantsdance69@yahoo.com or deeznutsinyomouf@gmail.com you must immediately change it to something bland like JohnSmith@gmail.com to hide your immaturity.  By leaving it as is, you are giving companies a chance to hire someone with a sense of humor and personality.  Heaven forbid they make the mistake of actually hiring someone genuine.

Action Words.

I always marveled at the wonder of actions words.

Instead of saying that you stacked a bunch of papers together, you should say that you “organized registered client applications.”  Instead of going to the Fed-ex website and clicking the ship now button, you “orchestrated a distribution channel for company inventory.”  Instead of going down on the boss, you “pursued additional responsibilities which led to a promotion.”

These mystical words can make the most menial of tasks seem substantial.

Sometimes you can even combine two or more action words in order to turn a mishaps into an achievement.  Say you accidentally crapped on the floor of the company bathroom and had to get the janitors to clean it up before anyone noticed.  Proudly exclaim that you “managed and coordinated a team to streamline company processing.”

Job Titles.

Job titles are extremely subjective and vague.  The same title can entail completely different responsibilities depending on the company.  In short, job titles mean completely nothing.  Its no wonder the question, “So what do you actually do?” often arises after proclaiming that you worked as a “senior account executive.”

On a positive note, you can change the importance of your job with the right euphemisms.  If your past “area of expertise” was janitorial work at a local high school, now you were an “Institutional Maintenance Technician.” If you happened to stock shelves in retail, you could be an “Inventory Coordinator and Sales Associate.” If you happened to be an old perverted prick who spends his time bullshitting other people, you can be “Chief Operations Officer” at my current company.

It’s all about how you spin it.

Disclaimer.

Following this formula of fancy language substitution will by no means secure you an interview because EVERYONE AND THEIR MOTHERS, literally, does the same thing.

You should acknowledge that the Human Resources Department (HR) has probably sifted through countless amounts of resume.  Although this experience should enable them to see through the thick fog of bullshit, there’s always that thin opaque layer of shit that seeps through the cracks and skews their perceptions just enough to think your qualified.

The trick is to stack as much BS as possible.

The world revolves around bullshit.  Without it, business deals would never come into fruition, nobody would be getting screwed, and there would be a lot of unhappy people.  Bullshit is, in its own rite, an art form.  Those who excel at detecting and manipulating it, rise to the top.  After all, it’s not who you are, it’s who people see you as.

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3 Comments

  1. Andrew…*taps nose*

    Spot on. Very spot on. I should know. I’m the Queen of Bullshittery.

  2. There has to be a better way.

    Someone should invent a BS detector.

  3. I worked with a guy whose key talent has buttsnorkelling. This article is dead nuts on.


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