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Tag Archives: trash talking

The weather this weekend was extremely delicious so I decided to play some basketball at the nearby park.  During the game, there was one kid (Ali),  who was constantly talking trash and basically being an all around jackass.  For this, I supported him with “mad props,” mostly because he was on my team.  Ali paraded around, and shouted obscenities in the face of the opposition.  Copious amounts of “you suck” and “get the fuck out” flowed from his mouth like smoothies from a long night of keystone light action.

Evidently one guy on the other team (Frazier) got fed up and muttered under his breath “I’m gonna knock this guy out if he keeps talking.”

Ali’s ears perked up.  He then proceeded to storm over and initiate the alpha-male chest pound to display his dominance.

“YOU GONNA KNOCK ME OUT?”

He followed up on his ritual by getting all up in Frazier’s grill.

“WHO YOU GONNA KNOCK OUT? YOU GONNA KNOCK ME THE FUCK OUT?  FUCKING KNOCK ME OUT THEN MOTHER FUCKER.”

He then flailed his arms around like an angry gorilla.  As Ali inched closer and closer, Frazier’s confidence was rapidly withering along with his nuts.  This spectacle continued to carry on until Frazier started to apologize with a meek “Sorry, I’m not knocking anyone out.” Only then did I notice that several children on the playground were crying.

I stepped back and marveled at this delightful turn of events.  Ali’s trash talk was so powerful that it forced Frazier to back down as well as cause kids in the surrounding area to cry as collateral damage.  Absolutely priceless.  My trance-like admiration was suddenly interrupted by a shrill and piercing screech from behind.

“You should be ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.  BE A ROLE MODEL. THERE ARE KIDS AROUND, HOW DARE YOU COME TO THE PARK WITH SUCH A DIRTY MOUTH.”

We all turned around and focused our attention on a small and frail, middle-aged woman with a face flushed red with anger holding a crying baby in her arms.  Surprisingly, Ali instantly backed down and sought penitence. 

“Sorry M’am, it won’t happen again,” Ali said in his best “good boy” voice.

I couldn’t believe it.  Godzilla was brought down to size and tamed by a mere middle-aged, suburban housewife.  Moral of the story?

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Don’t mess with suburban housewives.

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Some people aspire to become successful doctors, lawyers, and/or engineers.  Others do whatever it takes to get rich. These goals are highly respectable in their own right and allows them to be highly valued members of society.

Me?

My aspirations include becoming a world class trash talker.

Trash talking, shit talking, or jibber jabber (i made the last one up but it sounds fitting) is a highly underrated skill that evolves as we get older.  It takes on many forms; aggressive, passive, or even passive-aggressive.  Sometimes they are subtle, sometimes they are brash.  It can be tasteful as well as disgustingly vulgar.  It all depends on personal style and taste.  Whatever the case is, its ability to leave a person mentally distraught and broken cannot be denied.

Traces of its origins can be found on the playground where a simple “scaredy cat” taunt can cause a kid to break down and cry.  As we grow older, our shit talking becomes more sophisticated, often insulting one’s family members as well as questioning their sexuality.

Now trash talking may not improve society in any way and may very well cause one to question humanities integrity, but it does have its place in life.  I personally use it in basketball, dota, clubs, bars, and amongst friends.  These are only a few ideal places for trash talking to go down.  Trash talking provides one with a mental edge by causing an opponent to lose focus by injuring or damaging their psyche.  This intangible skill is often frowned upon due to its insensitivity and ignorance; however, if success is achieved, does the end not justify the means?

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These are a few words of advice to trash talking that should be considered, lest you look the fool.

  1. Always be prepared to back it up.
  2. Targeting personal insecurities are the most effective.
  3. Do not trash talk anyone you don’t think you could take in a fight.
  4. The more creative the insult, the more devastating it is.
  5. The key is to stay calm no matter what happens because this exchange of insults can be considered a game in itself.  Losing your cool is like a red flag; declaring to your opponent that he has struck a nerve.
  6. If your opponent is ever able to leave you speechless, look them dead in the eye and respond with “well played.” This is a sign of respect, acknowledging a fellow trash talker and at the same time defusing the situation.