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Well it happened.  I now have a girlfriend.  Who knew it was possible?

It isn’t as bad as I had originally imagined.  I was tentative at first after hearing about all those horror stories; the nagging, the fighting, and worst of all, having to act mature.  Shiet, I was struggling to be responsible for taking care of myself let alone worry about someone else.

Somebody once told me that I was destined to die alone.

Then I met Dr.Kermit.  She isn’t by any means perfect.  At first glance, you would see a ghetto FOBulous girl that could almost be considered a legal midget.  To my surprise, her Engrish was actually adequate.  The thing about Dr. Kermit is that she is the ultimate sweetness.  By ultimate sweetness I mean that every time I hang out with her I feel like I’m experiencing tooth decay.  Naturally to avoid seeing the dentist for root canals, I would counter with bitter sarcastic remarks.

Dr. Kermit : “Are you going to get me anything for our anniversary?”

Me: “Why yes dear,” as I start revving up my infamous elbow of subjugation.  “I’m gonna give you thirty BEATDOWNS. One BEATDOWN for EACH. DAY. OF. THE. MONTH.”

Dr. Kermit : =(

Our exchanges are can be described as…um.. unique.  She’d call me pet names like “babe” and “honey,” and I’d call her fat.  While she showers me with <3’s and “I miss you’s,” I would offer her promises of multiple beatings.  I get the feeling that she tries her best to pull me into the land of puppies, rainbows, and unicorns, all the while I’m tugging her in the opposite direction; the darkside.  Muahahahah.

We are an interesting dynamic to say the least.

Our relationship can be related to Batman and Joker.  Despite their apparent polar differences, Batman and Joker are one in the same.  Victims of their society, they both developed psychopathic personalities that caused them to seek refuge in their insanity.  These two opposing forces use their cunning and intelligence to impact their environment.  Though they inevitably clash, there are many times where Batman and Joker see eye to eye; acknowledging each other as yin and yang, night and day, sluts and prudes.  Knowing that one cannot exist without the other, they are hung in limbo as they are both alone, sharing the same experience, together.

Wow, that was a roundabout explanation of our relationship but it can be done no other way.  What sets us apart draws us closer.  What me and Dr. Kermit have is a deep understanding of human nature and an ability to see beauty in the flaws.  If life were perfect I’d have nothing to complain about, this blog would never have existed, and life would be awfully boring.

Now I have to take a moment to thank Dr. Kermit.  She takes a lot of shit from my constant belittling and innate weirdness.  I want her to know that I appreciate her patience in putting up with the shenanigans and taking it in stride.  For now, I don’t know what the future holds, I am just going to enjoy the ride.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to Barf.



  1. haha, hmmmm maybe i’ll offer some beatings to my gf, we’ll see how that pans out…btw how did she get the name “dr. kermit” ?

  2. Haha. I’m sure she loves the fact that you threaten her with multiple beatings after she’s professed her adoration for you; what a wonderful boyfriend you are. I’m just kidding. I’m sure you’re sweet in your own strange, psychopathic way…

  3. Oh, yes, and I too would like to know how she got the nickname Dr. Kermit.

  4. Fact: ladies love beatings.

    • Source for your claim, please. Must be reputable. No wikipedia’ing.

  5. Terrible.

One Trackback/Pingback

  1. By The 40 year-old tool « gambled and lost on 15 Dec 2009 at 1:40 am

    […] my ticket, I plopped down in my seat and decided it was an opportune time to call my girlfriend, Dr.Kermit.  The conversation was going steady as I politely inquired about her day like any other guy […]

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