On a seemingly uneventful Monday, I took the bus back from the city just like any other day. Little did I know, I was about to encounter…dun dun dun…The 40-year-old tool.
So it goes.
After handing the bus driver my ticket, I plopped down in my seat and decided it was an opportune time to call my girlfriend, Dr.Kermit. The conversation was going steady as I politely inquired about her day like any other guy performing his boyfriend duties. Things were just peachy until…
I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned to my right and see this 40-something-year-old man, lets call him “Dick.” Dick happened to be reading a Dan Brown novel around the same time I was on the phone. Apparently this did not sit well with Dick. When I turned and acknowledged his existence, he gave me a condescending look and said, “Excuse me, but I believe there is a cell phone policy on this bus.”
I am was awe. Never in my life have I encountered someone actually trying to enforce the cell phone policy on a public bus. Getting over the initial shock I lashed back:
“So? You gonna tell on me like a bitch?”…is what I should have said.
What I actually replied was “I’m sorry, are you trying to read?”
“Yes.”
“Alright then. (Back to Dr. Kermit) Hey babe, this old dude next to me is yelling at me to get off the phone,” I purposely said aloud.
Feeling “generous” he interjected. “Its okay, you can have five more minutes.”
5 minutes? Oh why thank you Bono of the bus…Damn number 2.
Reluctantly, I told Dr.Kermit that I would call her back later and hung up. I sat there stewing in my dismay. Out of the corner of my eye I could see him smirking. It was the look of self satisfaction. It’s not everyday that you get to put a strapping young lad in his place. Dick felt empowered.
Feeling defeated, I was determined to take action. I pulled out my phone discreetly texted Dr.Kermit.
It read:
Call me back in a few minutes, I want to piss this guy off.
Then I jacked up the volume until it reached the max setting.
My devious plan was set. I casually reclined my seat and pretended to sleep. I let the phone buzz and ring to its tiny cpu’s content until I felt a tap on the shoulder. I intentionally feigned ignorance until I felt another tap. PreDICKtably it was Dick.
“Your phone is ringing,” he said with a glare.
In the snidest manner possible, I replied “Thanks.”
After picking up my phone, I carried on a long and senseless conversation with Dr.Kermit. Most of the conversation consisted of her laughing while I pretended that I was talking to a long lost relative that I hadn’t seen in ages.
In my peripheral vision, I could see that Dick was seething with anger. He wanted to say something but he knew that it would be have been futile. His small victory was swallowed by my pointless conversation. It seemed like he wanted to yell at me, but that would only make things worse for him and more hilarious for me. His only move was to scoff and sulk while I continued to yap away.
When the bus reached my stop, I got up and shot him the same smirk that he was so proudly displaying before. He buried his face deep into his book to avoid seeing me gloat. I triumphantly turned and exited the bus.
Strapping young lad: 1 Dick: 0
gambled and lost 